yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
