I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
