That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
