My room smells like vodka and shame
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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