I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
