I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
