So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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