i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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