NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
