Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
