I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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