i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
