In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
