True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
