I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
