You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
ugly people sure do ruin things
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
