Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I fill condoms, not promises.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize