Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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