dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
