Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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