Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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