hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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