Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
