Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize