dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
