I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
