i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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