You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
