your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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