I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
