Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
