Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
