i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
