Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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