Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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