so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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