i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
