I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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