I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
