The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
