i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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