My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
