He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
