listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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