I wish my penis had an off switch
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
