Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
