hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
