I'm eating all of the evidence.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
