I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You're like the curious george of whores
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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