i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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