Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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