dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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