just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
