Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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