I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
