You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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