Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
