too bad you live with your parents still
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
